lent 1, wednesday night

BEE GIRL

I have a very vivid memory of seeing blind melon’s video for “no rain” when I was about 11 or 12. It has this girl dancing around in a bee suit through a field after she gets laughed off a stage.

I have known since I was 10 what I was supposed to do with my life, but I never let myself deal with it, or even think about it until recent.

For some reason, it was easier to make huge decisions based on faith when I did not allow thoughts about the long term… about the long goals. I was able to switch what i studied, switched who I hung out with, and for that mater, switch where I live and now I’m in Montana.

But now that I have thought about it. Now that I have faced it. Now that I am starting to actually live into what I am called to… I am absolutely horrified. Not of what it is or what i have to do, though those things are scary, but my horror of failure is overwhelming

It is terrible irony, that it was easier to act in faith before I fully embraced my faith. Because, really, it did not challenge the sin at my core… my pride. my perfectionism. my sin.

i don’t know what’s worse… not knowing what I am supposed to be. Or knowing and having no idea how to do it.

here is the video.

hebrews 3.12-19

12Take care, brothers and sisters, that none of you may have an evil, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. 13But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called ‘today,’ so that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. 14For we have become partners of Christ, if only we hold our first confidence firm to the end. 15As it is said, ‘Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion.’ 16Now who were they who heard and yet were rebellious? Was it not all those who left Egypt under the leadership of Moses? 17But with whom was he angry forty years? Was it not those who sinned, whose bodies fell in the wilderness? 18And to whom did he swear that they would not enter his rest, if not to those who were disobedient? 19So we see that they were unable to enter because of unbelief.